Miscarriage Is A Scary Word

We always tend to think, "But that would never happen to me." And in a lot of cases we're right; there are tons of things that happen to other people but we're fortunate (and sometimes not so fortunate) to have missed out on.
Miscarriage is one of the those things that I had heard happened to others, even family members, but I didn't really think it'd happen to me. Never even really gave it much thought, that is until I got pregnant. I imagine that every mother goes through 9 months of worrying about the little one growing inside of them, just wishing they could hold them in their arms and see that everything is okay rather than having to wait for every appointment to hear your child is doing well. Especially through the first few months when you can't even feel anything. I was constantly worried in my first pregnancy. I didn't know what was normal, what wasn't. I couldn't wait to hear his heartbeat at every appointment. It was always such a relief.
The second time around, I felt more comfortable or maybe just more distracted. I now had a 1 year old to keep up with. My mind wasn't always on what could go wrong although I had definitely thought about it and still prayed everything was okay.
Due to an insurance issue, we didn't get to go to our first appointment to see & hear our little one for the first time until I was almost 12 weeks along. With our first son, we had our first appointment at 8 weeks and they found him right away with a good, strong heartbeat. Unfortunately, that was not the case this time around. When she went to find baby, there wasn't much showing up on the screen. It was taking too long. I immediately knew something was wrong. She had to try to look another way. When she stepped out to get the equipment I remember looking at my husband and asking if he was okay. We were both bothered but were trying to be strong for the other. When she came back and tried again, she found our little cub but baby was a lot smaller than we were hoping and she could not pickup a heartbeat. She apologized and told us she hoped she was the worlds worst ultrasound tech and that she would proudly except that title if it meant things were different. But she didn't want to confirm anything, so, she sent us to a specialist where they confirmed it. Baby measured 7 weeks and 5 days but with the most perfect looking little body. I could see arms and legs. This is where it got harder, seeing our baby so clearly on the big screen, our precious little baby. She tried 3 different ways to locate a heartbeat but it wasn't there. She was kind enough to print off a photo for us to keep and continued to apologize. We met with a doctor to go over our options before we left. It was hard to try and keep my composure and trying to process it all while being given so much information. We were given 3 options but we chose to go with a D&C procedure. It would be a couple of days before that happened and I spent those few days alone at home. I wasn't really wanting to see anyone yet. Still struggling with feeling guilty like I had done something wrong. Wondering if it was my fault. I was scared and just needed space. I was scared something was going to go wrong and I wouldn't be able to have the procedure. I didn't want to have to wait for up to 6 weeks to go into labor at random (then trying to find care for our son in the midst of it) and end up delivering in a toilet. It all just sounded like prolonging it and making it worse. I didn't want that. Every cramp terrified me. The day finally came. The doctor came in to talk with me before the procedure; she sat down next to me and apologized for what we were having to go through and told me she didn't want me feeling like anything was my fault and that there was nothing I could have done. She explained that it's just the natural way things work, "The way God designed it", that sometimes the egg and sperm don't work together and the baby doesn't make it. "Weeding out problems". (I wasn't quite sure what "problems" were; no matter how our children are born we will love them, with or without disabilities. A life is a life, no matter what!) Honestly, it made me feel better to hear it wasn't something I had done. It eased my guilt but not my pain. All I could think about in the waiting room was that I was currently pregnant but when I woke up, I wouldn't be. I didn't realize how connected I still felt to our little one until I was no longer carrying him/her. We didn't even get to find out if our cub was a boy or girl. There is so much about our child I don't know. Who they would've looked like, taken after, all the talents they would've had, things they'd like or dislike, etc. So much left unanswered. We wanted to name our little one though, they deserved that. Just like any other human being out there. They are our child and they always will be. We have two children, one here with us and the other in Heaven waiting for us. We chose a name we had already been thinking about that luckily was gender neutral; Fallon Dillon. I love the name even more because of who he/she is named after - my wonderful husband who has been just so incredibly supportive and my rock as always.
Unfortunately, we weren't able to take Fallon home that day because of being sent to pathology. They told us we could get Fallon in a couple of days and that they would call us. Only more than a few days went by and they didn't call. So, I did. Fallon had been ready for a while but for some reason we were never notified. I left immediately with my sister to go get my baby. When I got there I had to sign a release form to get my child stating that I was taking home "bio-hazardous waste". This is what the nurse kept calling my child. It hurt. My child is not a hazard or waste! I was told by quite a few of the medical staff that they almost never have parents who want the baby back, that they end up putting them all together, cremate them and dispose of them as bio-hazard waste. That broke my heart. I totally understand that miscarriage is a hard thing and we all deal with it differently but I couldn't do that. The moment I found out I was pregnant, the thought wasn't "We're going to be parents of 2" but "We ARE parents of 2". That baby was that, OUR BABY and we were caring for it just like we would for our 1 year old. If Fallon had made it all through pregnancy, was born and later passed, I wouldn't let the medical staff "dispose of him/her". They would get a proper burial just like any other human. So, that's what we did. One of my brothers helped Dillon dig the grave and fix up the burial site, my daddy built a beautiful box to put Fallon in, a friend from Dillon's work made a stone for the grave and our family all pitched in for a meal to follow and bought a weeping Japanese maple tree in honor of Fallon and another one of my brothers spoke while we buried our little cub. It was so perfect. It made me feel so much better that Fallon was home and right where I could go be with him/her whenever I wanted. Our family really came together for our precious little one to honor him/her with love and respect just like they deserved. I look back at that and I am so thankful that we are fortunate enough to be surrounded by people who treasure life, no matter how short it may be. Even though Fallon beat us to heaven, our little one will always be our baby.
Miscarriage is hard and rarely talked about. But it happens, statistically, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Some before Mum even knew she had a little one on the way. I didn't know that before Fallon. My doctor told me she had suffered through 6 of them. That is awful, I can't imagine that. But that won't change the way we feel about any of it. When I was pregnant with our first born, we announced it right away. A lady I was working for told me straight to my face I was stupid for doing that because I'll probably just have a miscarriage; I didn't even know how to respond to her because I couldn't believe she had just said that. This brought up a conversation between me and Dillon. Should we have waited to announce it? After really thinking it over we decided what's going to happen is going to happen whether we announce it or not. The only difference is that we'd be living in fear. And if something did happen, were we just going to pretend like we never had a child? Like that life never existed? It just didn't set well with us. Now what works for us might not work for others and that's fine, this is what we needed to do. We did the same with Fallon and unfortunately the worst happened. People knew we were pregnant and we lost our little one. Naturally people will bring up the pregnancy when they see you and you're left trying to figure out how to tell them without embarrassing them. But I would rather the life be mourned, loved, respected, etc. then pretend it never even existed. This is why we wanted to share it with everyone. Fallon deserves that. And if we're lucky enough to get pregnant again, we'll still announce it right away. Just like we did with Lakota and Fallon.
It's hard. All of it, but knowing that our baby is safe gives us all the peace we need. I mean, seriously, who would I trust more than God with my baby? No one, not even myself. I never have to worry about what this world might do to them, Fallon is SAFE and being loved on more that I even could. And I am so incredibly thankful for that! Ive never asked God why, or doubted Him at all. I know he has it all under control and He's always taken care of me. And now He's taking care of our baby in the best way possible. Do I still miss Fallon? Do I still cry, wonder who they would've been, looked like, etc. Yeah, all the time but I know one day, that'll all be answered. One day, I'm going to meet Fallon and be able to squeeze my baby until they turn blue and I can't wait! Understand, God didn't do this to us and He doesn't owe us anything. He already gave us everything, LITERALLY! And we couldn't be more thankful that He's taking care of our little cub and we'll never have to worry about them, ever! How great is that?!

It's Been Quite A Ride

It's been a while since I've been on here and a lot has happened. Some really awesome and some took some extra time to see the good in. Sometimes I find myself only remembering the hard times, like right now, as I'm trying to remember everything that has happened over the past 4 years. Wow, 4 years, I can't believe it's been that long! But I know there was a lot of good that happened too. Isn't it weird and sad, really, how we tend to only focus on the bad. The only reason I can come up with for this is that guy that's always out to steal, kill and destroy us. Yep, that guy. He does his best to keep us living in fear and a lot of times, he does a pretty good job. But never once has he made me question the only one who can make sense of it all. God has always gotten me through everything, and I'm not just saying that. There's been times in my life where I seriously felt I couldn't trust anyone and He was all I had and I never doubted Him. I'm sure you're thinking, "But you could've gone to your pastor, a friend, family member or a counselor, but I didn't feel I could trust anyone. He was literally the only one I had; and He's never given me a reason to doubt Him. Nothing I've been through has ever shaken my faith or even come close because I know He sees the big picture and doing my best for Him is my biggest concern. Do I fail? All the time! Daily. But I'm still trying and if anything I go through can help to glorify Him in anyway, I'm up for it. Someone told me one time, "When things are going rough in your life that you should feel proud, that means that you're a threat to the devil and he's trying to mess you up. It's when things are going good that you should worry because he's not bothered by you." My response to that was, "Come at me, bro." Haha. Now don't get me wrong, hard times are tough. Do I feel terrible sometimes? Does my motivation take a hit? Yeah, yeah, it does. It sucks. Hard times aren't fun. But, I have always found that in the end, I come out stronger and that I've grown from it. If life was always easy, we wouldn't have much of a backbone.
In June of 2016 my family took a devastating blow. My 3 year old twin nephews drown in a friends pool. Now this pool was fenced off with a locked gate, all precautions were taken but it still happened. I freak accident. One passed on site and the other passed at the hospital. I remember a lot of people questioning God. "How could He let this happen?" "What good could possibly come from this?" "Why did He do this?"..... "Why did He do this?" Who ever said God did this? The curse of sin is random, God didn't do this to us. One thing that has always frustrated me is how we seem to think that God owes us answers or even miracles when God doesn't OWE us ANYTHING! He already gave us EVERYTHING!! How many people do you know that created a whole planet for you? How many people do you know that created animals, plants and water for you to live off of? Who has provided all the resources and things you take for granted each day? And best of all, who gave their only son to be tortured and die to save you? Personally, I only know one. And I think the least I can do is do my best to live my whole life for Him.
Some other things happened that year that I won't take the time to elaborate on but I thought I was going to lose someone that was very close to me and honestly, it sent me into a panic. I began to question almost everything but God wasn't one of them. 2016 was the worst year of my life so far and there are a couple others that come close but none that had me this panicked. What all was going to be lost this year? I'd have a weak moment when I'd find myself thinking, "I don't think I can handle anymore." And I was right, I can't handle it, not on my own, but WE can. Like I said, God has gotten me through everything and He did it again. I just had to trust Him, no matter the outcome. It's exhausting trying to do things on your own. And again, we came out stronger. It's crazy how the hard times can make things so much better, bring people so much closer together and make us stronger! All the obstacles and what felt like endless trials of that year just made us all closer and made us all actually study (the Bible) harder. Even in our marriage, we learned a lot about each other having to face these obstacles together, how we grieve and how to help the other. You can read a lot but nothing really prepares you for actually going through it yourself. And it in a way prepared us for the loss of our own child this year. About a month ago we went for our first (very overdue) appointment to see our little one for the first time via ultrasound. Due to some insurance issues we were going to see baby at almost 12 weeks vs. the 8 week appointment we had with our first born. I was expecting them to be able to locate baby very quickly since the little one should be much bigger than our son was at our first appointment with him, but it was taking too long to find our little cub and I immediately knew something was wrong right away. Soon followed the unfortunate news that she could not locate and heartbeat and we were being sent to a specialist to confirm it. I know there's a lot of absolutely ridiculous debate out there about unborn babies being even considered a life but there is no debate about it. It is fact and the guilt of people sins can't change fact. That little one was alive for 7 & 1/2 weeks but our little one left early and went straight to Heaven. Our child (who we named Fallon Dillon) went straight to Heaven because God knows that it was a life. Animals may be alive, plants may be alive but even they won't go to Heaven. Nothing, nothing gives me more peace than knowing our precious Fallon is in Heaven being loved by the only one who can love the little cub more than we ever could and that Fallon's safe. Safe from the sick twisted way of this world and I am so thankful for that!
Like I said, it's been a ride and I've mostly hit on a couple of the rough things that have happened, but focus on the outcome. The strength after the storm. I wouldn't be who I am now without my mountains and if you're open to it, God will help you see how to be thankful for them. We lost more than just a few lives in our family over the past 4 years but what we're thankful for is that they all are in Heaven now and they don't have to suffer anymore we don't have to worry about what the world might do to them, they're safe. Isn't that what we want for all our loved ones? Yeah, we miss them. We miss them a lot. But this is just temporary, we've still got eternity.

I Was Encouraged!

   I hope everyone had an awesome Memorial Day weekend! I had a great one but I am paying for it now, haha. I'm a very nice shade of rosy red. We spend most of the weekend out on the lake so I got plenty of sun! But it was worth it! We had a lot of fun and memories were made and that's whats most important.

   I'm mostly excited about a talk I had with someone this week. I know I shouldn't but sometimes I hesitate to talk about "religion" with people because there are so many different denominations and many different beliefs. The last thing I care to do it get in an argument with someone over God. Of course I will stand up for him no matter what but I don't think anyone is going to hear what I'm saying when it gets confrontational and that defensive wall goes up so I might as well not be say anything. Anyways, all that to say, I try not to make people mad. I believe in talking things out. But this weekend while hanging out with friends I got to talking to someone about God and rightly dividing the Bible. And let me just say that it's so encouraging to talk to someone. There's a lot of things that mean something to me but there is nothing I am more passionate about than God. If I have drifted from him, it throws my whole life into a spin. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I'm stressed, I'm not motivated, I feel just plain hollow inside. Over the course of my life I've been to quite a few churches, listened to different beliefs and opinions and some of them made some sense but there was still that stirring in me. I just didn't have peace. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself I did, I didn't. I started to get exhausted, constantly searching and feeling like I was getting no where. I was brought up in a very strong christian home. I can't say that I know the whole Bible backwards and forwards but I'm pretty familiar with a fair amount of it. So, listening to a lot of sermons, it was kind of rare to hear something I hadn't before. Most of the time it had been the same thing just a different angle on it. I wasn't learning anymore. It was like I couldn't grow anymore. I tried reading the Bible but I didn't understand it. It was like it went in one ear and right out the other. Things weren't sticking because they weren't making sense. It was already hard enough for me to have the motivation to read in the first place because I am someone who does not enjoy reading. I believe the Bible says exactly what it says for a reason. I believe God chose those words specifically because it best said what he meant for it to say! If I say something like "lying is wrong" I mean lying is wrong. I don't mean 'I think it's wrong for just me to lie or it's wrong for just you or someone else to lie, I mean plain and simple lying is wrong. So I don't believe God wrote the Bible so that it could be taken all of these different ways. No, he meant it one way. The way he meant to say it. If he meant something else he would specify. God is very clear, He is not the author of confusion - KJV 1 Corinthians 14:33. Yes, the Bible can be hard to read and sometimes confusing and will totally contradict itself but that is only if you do not rightly divide the Word - KJV 2 Timothy 2:15. I have been studying and actually understanding the Bible now. Rightly dividing and using the concordance so that I can understand the meaning of the words and apply them how God meant them. Another thing I've learned is that there are parts of the Bible that do not apply to us. Genesis through Acts are simply for our learning - KJV Romans 15:4. What applies to us today is Romans through Philemon. Hebrews through Revelation is meant for those who are here after God as removed the Church (being us - now, the Body of Christ) from the earth. This is just some of the stuff I have come to learn and see for myself. It's right there in the Bible in front of my face. I read the King James Version because there are verses missing in the NIV and like I said I feel like God chose every word specifically and the rest of the translations have been reworded so again I read the King James Version. But everything I've said, please don't take my word for it! This is something you need to discover for yourself. Don't take someones word on something as serious as this. Always check it for yourself! If you have any questions or anything please comment or message me and I will do everything I can to help. Hey, I'm not perfect! I mess up a lot and I am still learning! I've got a lot to learn! It's just always nice to talk to someone about God and have an encouraging conversation. I am very encouraged right now and excited to see where this goes because the person I spoke with wants to start studying with us and I'm very excited about that! It's always exciting when someone wants to study Gods Word! 

   Thanks for reading! I hope I maybe encouraged you, and if you don't agree with what I believe - I hope I've encourage to read your Bible if nothing else to prove me wrong, lol. Until next time love harder, be more understanding and seek God always with all of your heart!

True or False

   What kind of person are you? Are you the kind of person who is always there for people or do you say you will be and then when it comes down to actually doing it you've got more important things to do? If you are there when they need you, do you keep their issues to yourself or do you secretly tell others about them? Are you that person who pretends to care but you're just wanting the inside scoop? Are you the person who thinks of others above yourself. Are you selfish or giving? Do your actions match your words? This is something that's been on my mind lately. Everyone has friends, the people they choose to be around and trust with their personal information but we are also around people that aren't always who we'd choose. It may be at work or at school or church or maybe even family but at some point we might be around people who we don't particularly like. The person you are shouldn't just look good to your friends but also the people who you might not prefer to spend your time with. Everyone has to be around people they don't like but think about it, if you're not kind to those people just think about what they might say about you to others, maybe those people they're talk to are people that you do like and now they have an ugly impression of you. My point is we should always be paying attention to the impression we are making on others. Especially for those of us who claim to follow God.

   I have to admit this is one reason why I like being a substitute. I get to move around a lot and I didn't have to really spend a lot of time with the same people. Well, now that I stay at the same place a lot lately I've met a lot of people and a few that I might not be so fond of, lol. Although I might not be so fond of them I still have to work with them so it's important for me to be nice, lol, not only morally but for the sake of my job too, haha! I know some people might not like their jobs but I do! So, I would like to keep it! But I think it's really important to be an example. Now I am far from perfect! But I want to do my best to be that person who smiles in the face a negativity. I want to be genuine. I don't want to be fake or rude. Like I said, I'm not perfect and I have done the opposite of what I should have but this something that's been on my heart lately. I don't want to be that person that people feel like they need to whisper around because I can't be trusted, or make people feel like they need to walk on their toes around. I want to be that person who brings positive energy and is a joy to work/be around. I was to be real and true, not fake and ugly. It doesn't matter what you look like on the outside because what is inside shines through so brightly people will become blind to the outward appearance. Make sure your actions match your words! Be someone that others will look up to. Be someone who inspires! Please, learn to love yourself so that you may love others! Jesus laid down everything he had for people who hated him but he still loved them wholeheartedly. That's deep. I want to have that kind of love. What is this world without love?

   Thanks for reading! Until next time, love harder, be more understanding and seek God with all your heart!

I'M SO EXCITED!!!!

   So before I start off with my good news there is something I want to ask your help on. You're going to think I'm silly for asking this but my cat has been having problems with her right back foot. She came in one evening for the night like she always does and laid down and went to sleep. Nothing out of the ordinary but the next morning when I got up to get ready for work I noticed a little bit of blood on the floor in the shape of her paw print. I checked her and she had a little scratch on her back right foot. It had scabbed over and she didn't mind me messing with it so I thought she seemed fine and left it alone. This was about two weeks ago. Well, Friday morning I let her out for a little while, I was kind of in a hurry trying to get ready for work so I wasn't really paying her too much attention, she wasn't acting any different but I didn't notice until I let her back in before I left that she was limping a little and it was that same leg. I went over and started to look at it and there were a few more places this time but them looked as if they had happened around about the same time the first one did because of the way they were "healing". When I touched her leg she didn't pull away but she was definitely curious of what I was doing. Well, by yesterday morning her foot was swollen 3 times the size of her other one. I had shown Dillon Friday and we had decided to give it the weekend and see how she did. She's at the vet right now. I'm at work so my mother-in-law had to take her in for me. I'm waiting to hear how she's doing and what the problem is. We think it's infection, we just don't know what from or how bad. Last night when we got home she had open up all for wounds and they were all draining a mixer of blood and pus. The swelling has gone down A LOT since she did that but it's still a bit swollen. When I opened the door of the cat carrier and put a towel down she went right in and laid down. If I didn't know any better I'd say she knew she was going to The Animal Hospital, lol. The first two days she acted normal but now she's seems really tired a lot. Poor thing when she tries to lay down she can't get seem to get comfortable with her leg. I just hope it's not like a snake bit or something. I hope it's something simple and that she'll be okay. So yes, I'm going to be that person who asks you to pray for her sick cat, lol. What can I say, I love the little trouble maker!

   Okay, so now for my exciting news! This summer Dillon started to teach me to ride the bike some. I had only done it once or twice up until this week. Honestly, I was shocked he decided to teach me on this bike. We have a Yamaha FZ1. I thought he would start teaching me on a smaller bike, like a 250 - not a 1000! But hey, I am not complaining! Sunday afternoon when we got back from camping we went out to eat on the bike and on our way home Dillon pulled off to the side of the road and asked me if I wanted to drive home. I was like "YEAH!!" He asked me if I thought I could do it and I was like "Yeah!" When I was really thinking "Oh crap. I hope I can do this." But I was determined to try! Well, he got off and told me to take it down the road a couple of times to get used to the clutch again because it had been a little while since I had drove it. So I did till I felt good about it and came back to get him. As soon as he got on and I felt his weight I thought "Please don't let this thing get off balance because I don't think I'll be able to catch it." But I pulled out onto the road and started on our way home. Let me tell you it is a whole other world when you have a passenger! Their balance is so important! And Dillon is not someone who rides passenger often. lol. But he did great and we made it home just fine. When we got home Dillon asked me if I wanted to drive it over to my parents and of course I jumped on that, lol. He followed me in the truck. Well than this past Friday he called me on his way home from work and asked me how I'd feel about driving the bike into town. I said that I would like to practice taking off on hills a little more so that I could get really familiar with the clutch so I wouldn't stall out at like a red light or something. Well, than he told me how he needed to take our friends bike to the shop and drop it off and he'd need a way home and he was thinking we could both ride the bikes into town and then ride ours back home. So, of course I jumped on that, lol. I was a little nervous but once we got going it was GREAT! It was so fun! Especially riding with someone else on another bike along with me. I have always wanted a motorcycle of my own and now I want one even more! I know that's a bit of a long shot because we already have one but I'm very excited to be able to ride the one we have! I'm so lucky to have a husband that trusts me and is patient enough to teach me how to ride! I'm so excited and so thankful! There, that's my big and exciting news, haha! I'm on cloud 9!

   Before you go, take a look at the baddest biker gang ever, haha! This was Sunday's ride.

   Thanks for reading! Until next time, love harder, be more understanding and seek God with everything you have! Byes!