Miscarriage Is A Scary Word

We always tend to think, "But that would never happen to me." And in a lot of cases we're right; there are tons of things that happen to other people but we're fortunate (and sometimes not so fortunate) to have missed out on.
Miscarriage is one of the those things that I had heard happened to others, even family members, but I didn't really think it'd happen to me. Never even really gave it much thought, that is until I got pregnant. I imagine that every mother goes through 9 months of worrying about the little one growing inside of them, just wishing they could hold them in their arms and see that everything is okay rather than having to wait for every appointment to hear your child is doing well. Especially through the first few months when you can't even feel anything. I was constantly worried in my first pregnancy. I didn't know what was normal, what wasn't. I couldn't wait to hear his heartbeat at every appointment. It was always such a relief.
The second time around, I felt more comfortable or maybe just more distracted. I now had a 1 year old to keep up with. My mind wasn't always on what could go wrong although I had definitely thought about it and still prayed everything was okay.
Due to an insurance issue, we didn't get to go to our first appointment to see & hear our little one for the first time until I was almost 12 weeks along. With our first son, we had our first appointment at 8 weeks and they found him right away with a good, strong heartbeat. Unfortunately, that was not the case this time around. When she went to find baby, there wasn't much showing up on the screen. It was taking too long. I immediately knew something was wrong. She had to try to look another way. When she stepped out to get the equipment I remember looking at my husband and asking if he was okay. We were both bothered but were trying to be strong for the other. When she came back and tried again, she found our little cub but baby was a lot smaller than we were hoping and she could not pickup a heartbeat. She apologized and told us she hoped she was the worlds worst ultrasound tech and that she would proudly except that title if it meant things were different. But she didn't want to confirm anything, so, she sent us to a specialist where they confirmed it. Baby measured 7 weeks and 5 days but with the most perfect looking little body. I could see arms and legs. This is where it got harder, seeing our baby so clearly on the big screen, our precious little baby. She tried 3 different ways to locate a heartbeat but it wasn't there. She was kind enough to print off a photo for us to keep and continued to apologize. We met with a doctor to go over our options before we left. It was hard to try and keep my composure and trying to process it all while being given so much information. We were given 3 options but we chose to go with a D&C procedure. It would be a couple of days before that happened and I spent those few days alone at home. I wasn't really wanting to see anyone yet. Still struggling with feeling guilty like I had done something wrong. Wondering if it was my fault. I was scared and just needed space. I was scared something was going to go wrong and I wouldn't be able to have the procedure. I didn't want to have to wait for up to 6 weeks to go into labor at random (then trying to find care for our son in the midst of it) and end up delivering in a toilet. It all just sounded like prolonging it and making it worse. I didn't want that. Every cramp terrified me. The day finally came. The doctor came in to talk with me before the procedure; she sat down next to me and apologized for what we were having to go through and told me she didn't want me feeling like anything was my fault and that there was nothing I could have done. She explained that it's just the natural way things work, "The way God designed it", that sometimes the egg and sperm don't work together and the baby doesn't make it. "Weeding out problems". (I wasn't quite sure what "problems" were; no matter how our children are born we will love them, with or without disabilities. A life is a life, no matter what!) Honestly, it made me feel better to hear it wasn't something I had done. It eased my guilt but not my pain. All I could think about in the waiting room was that I was currently pregnant but when I woke up, I wouldn't be. I didn't realize how connected I still felt to our little one until I was no longer carrying him/her. We didn't even get to find out if our cub was a boy or girl. There is so much about our child I don't know. Who they would've looked like, taken after, all the talents they would've had, things they'd like or dislike, etc. So much left unanswered. We wanted to name our little one though, they deserved that. Just like any other human being out there. They are our child and they always will be. We have two children, one here with us and the other in Heaven waiting for us. We chose a name we had already been thinking about that luckily was gender neutral; Fallon Dillon. I love the name even more because of who he/she is named after - my wonderful husband who has been just so incredibly supportive and my rock as always.
Unfortunately, we weren't able to take Fallon home that day because of being sent to pathology. They told us we could get Fallon in a couple of days and that they would call us. Only more than a few days went by and they didn't call. So, I did. Fallon had been ready for a while but for some reason we were never notified. I left immediately with my sister to go get my baby. When I got there I had to sign a release form to get my child stating that I was taking home "bio-hazardous waste". This is what the nurse kept calling my child. It hurt. My child is not a hazard or waste! I was told by quite a few of the medical staff that they almost never have parents who want the baby back, that they end up putting them all together, cremate them and dispose of them as bio-hazard waste. That broke my heart. I totally understand that miscarriage is a hard thing and we all deal with it differently but I couldn't do that. The moment I found out I was pregnant, the thought wasn't "We're going to be parents of 2" but "We ARE parents of 2". That baby was that, OUR BABY and we were caring for it just like we would for our 1 year old. If Fallon had made it all through pregnancy, was born and later passed, I wouldn't let the medical staff "dispose of him/her". They would get a proper burial just like any other human. So, that's what we did. One of my brothers helped Dillon dig the grave and fix up the burial site, my daddy built a beautiful box to put Fallon in, a friend from Dillon's work made a stone for the grave and our family all pitched in for a meal to follow and bought a weeping Japanese maple tree in honor of Fallon and another one of my brothers spoke while we buried our little cub. It was so perfect. It made me feel so much better that Fallon was home and right where I could go be with him/her whenever I wanted. Our family really came together for our precious little one to honor him/her with love and respect just like they deserved. I look back at that and I am so thankful that we are fortunate enough to be surrounded by people who treasure life, no matter how short it may be. Even though Fallon beat us to heaven, our little one will always be our baby.
Miscarriage is hard and rarely talked about. But it happens, statistically, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. Some before Mum even knew she had a little one on the way. I didn't know that before Fallon. My doctor told me she had suffered through 6 of them. That is awful, I can't imagine that. But that won't change the way we feel about any of it. When I was pregnant with our first born, we announced it right away. A lady I was working for told me straight to my face I was stupid for doing that because I'll probably just have a miscarriage; I didn't even know how to respond to her because I couldn't believe she had just said that. This brought up a conversation between me and Dillon. Should we have waited to announce it? After really thinking it over we decided what's going to happen is going to happen whether we announce it or not. The only difference is that we'd be living in fear. And if something did happen, were we just going to pretend like we never had a child? Like that life never existed? It just didn't set well with us. Now what works for us might not work for others and that's fine, this is what we needed to do. We did the same with Fallon and unfortunately the worst happened. People knew we were pregnant and we lost our little one. Naturally people will bring up the pregnancy when they see you and you're left trying to figure out how to tell them without embarrassing them. But I would rather the life be mourned, loved, respected, etc. then pretend it never even existed. This is why we wanted to share it with everyone. Fallon deserves that. And if we're lucky enough to get pregnant again, we'll still announce it right away. Just like we did with Lakota and Fallon.
It's hard. All of it, but knowing that our baby is safe gives us all the peace we need. I mean, seriously, who would I trust more than God with my baby? No one, not even myself. I never have to worry about what this world might do to them, Fallon is SAFE and being loved on more that I even could. And I am so incredibly thankful for that! Ive never asked God why, or doubted Him at all. I know he has it all under control and He's always taken care of me. And now He's taking care of our baby in the best way possible. Do I still miss Fallon? Do I still cry, wonder who they would've been, looked like, etc. Yeah, all the time but I know one day, that'll all be answered. One day, I'm going to meet Fallon and be able to squeeze my baby until they turn blue and I can't wait! Understand, God didn't do this to us and He doesn't owe us anything. He already gave us everything, LITERALLY! And we couldn't be more thankful that He's taking care of our little cub and we'll never have to worry about them, ever! How great is that?!

It's Been Quite A Ride

It's been a while since I've been on here and a lot has happened. Some really awesome and some took some extra time to see the good in. Sometimes I find myself only remembering the hard times, like right now, as I'm trying to remember everything that has happened over the past 4 years. Wow, 4 years, I can't believe it's been that long! But I know there was a lot of good that happened too. Isn't it weird and sad, really, how we tend to only focus on the bad. The only reason I can come up with for this is that guy that's always out to steal, kill and destroy us. Yep, that guy. He does his best to keep us living in fear and a lot of times, he does a pretty good job. But never once has he made me question the only one who can make sense of it all. God has always gotten me through everything, and I'm not just saying that. There's been times in my life where I seriously felt I couldn't trust anyone and He was all I had and I never doubted Him. I'm sure you're thinking, "But you could've gone to your pastor, a friend, family member or a counselor, but I didn't feel I could trust anyone. He was literally the only one I had; and He's never given me a reason to doubt Him. Nothing I've been through has ever shaken my faith or even come close because I know He sees the big picture and doing my best for Him is my biggest concern. Do I fail? All the time! Daily. But I'm still trying and if anything I go through can help to glorify Him in anyway, I'm up for it. Someone told me one time, "When things are going rough in your life that you should feel proud, that means that you're a threat to the devil and he's trying to mess you up. It's when things are going good that you should worry because he's not bothered by you." My response to that was, "Come at me, bro." Haha. Now don't get me wrong, hard times are tough. Do I feel terrible sometimes? Does my motivation take a hit? Yeah, yeah, it does. It sucks. Hard times aren't fun. But, I have always found that in the end, I come out stronger and that I've grown from it. If life was always easy, we wouldn't have much of a backbone.
In June of 2016 my family took a devastating blow. My 3 year old twin nephews drown in a friends pool. Now this pool was fenced off with a locked gate, all precautions were taken but it still happened. I freak accident. One passed on site and the other passed at the hospital. I remember a lot of people questioning God. "How could He let this happen?" "What good could possibly come from this?" "Why did He do this?"..... "Why did He do this?" Who ever said God did this? The curse of sin is random, God didn't do this to us. One thing that has always frustrated me is how we seem to think that God owes us answers or even miracles when God doesn't OWE us ANYTHING! He already gave us EVERYTHING!! How many people do you know that created a whole planet for you? How many people do you know that created animals, plants and water for you to live off of? Who has provided all the resources and things you take for granted each day? And best of all, who gave their only son to be tortured and die to save you? Personally, I only know one. And I think the least I can do is do my best to live my whole life for Him.
Some other things happened that year that I won't take the time to elaborate on but I thought I was going to lose someone that was very close to me and honestly, it sent me into a panic. I began to question almost everything but God wasn't one of them. 2016 was the worst year of my life so far and there are a couple others that come close but none that had me this panicked. What all was going to be lost this year? I'd have a weak moment when I'd find myself thinking, "I don't think I can handle anymore." And I was right, I can't handle it, not on my own, but WE can. Like I said, God has gotten me through everything and He did it again. I just had to trust Him, no matter the outcome. It's exhausting trying to do things on your own. And again, we came out stronger. It's crazy how the hard times can make things so much better, bring people so much closer together and make us stronger! All the obstacles and what felt like endless trials of that year just made us all closer and made us all actually study (the Bible) harder. Even in our marriage, we learned a lot about each other having to face these obstacles together, how we grieve and how to help the other. You can read a lot but nothing really prepares you for actually going through it yourself. And it in a way prepared us for the loss of our own child this year. About a month ago we went for our first (very overdue) appointment to see our little one for the first time via ultrasound. Due to some insurance issues we were going to see baby at almost 12 weeks vs. the 8 week appointment we had with our first born. I was expecting them to be able to locate baby very quickly since the little one should be much bigger than our son was at our first appointment with him, but it was taking too long to find our little cub and I immediately knew something was wrong right away. Soon followed the unfortunate news that she could not locate and heartbeat and we were being sent to a specialist to confirm it. I know there's a lot of absolutely ridiculous debate out there about unborn babies being even considered a life but there is no debate about it. It is fact and the guilt of people sins can't change fact. That little one was alive for 7 & 1/2 weeks but our little one left early and went straight to Heaven. Our child (who we named Fallon Dillon) went straight to Heaven because God knows that it was a life. Animals may be alive, plants may be alive but even they won't go to Heaven. Nothing, nothing gives me more peace than knowing our precious Fallon is in Heaven being loved by the only one who can love the little cub more than we ever could and that Fallon's safe. Safe from the sick twisted way of this world and I am so thankful for that!
Like I said, it's been a ride and I've mostly hit on a couple of the rough things that have happened, but focus on the outcome. The strength after the storm. I wouldn't be who I am now without my mountains and if you're open to it, God will help you see how to be thankful for them. We lost more than just a few lives in our family over the past 4 years but what we're thankful for is that they all are in Heaven now and they don't have to suffer anymore we don't have to worry about what the world might do to them, they're safe. Isn't that what we want for all our loved ones? Yeah, we miss them. We miss them a lot. But this is just temporary, we've still got eternity.